Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A Birthday Poem for Mia, rev. 2

I sent out a call to my "12x12in 2012" poet buddies.  Two generous poets answered my call and critiqued the poem.  Here's a brief overview of what they said.  (I hope they don't mind my posting their thoughtful and extremely helpful advice.)

Ellen Ramsey

Your poem is delightful. The rhythms are lively and the poem is fun to read.
I'm concerned that the poem may not have a strong enough story to become a picture book. Have you thought about adding a stronger story line--some conflict--a problem to solve so that this poem would work better as a picture book.

Another option you might consider is developing this as a board book. Your narrator and your intended audience is a very young child, so this might be appropriate—and a board book would be shorter than a standard picture book.
If you decide to make the poem longer, you might consider a refrain—

My piñata tree,
Is calling for me.

You could have a few things go wrong at the birthday party, but still the party would end with the joy of the piñata bursting open and showering the kids with surprises.

Another thing you might consider is that the first stanza doesn't have quite the same pattern as the rest of the poem. Also, I'm not sure the line in the fifth stanza "Its mosaic sings" fits with the simplicity of the language of the rest of the poem.
Hope this helps. Good luck with this poem. Please let me know how you decide to proceed.

Alison Kipnis Hertz 6:45am Jun 16
Brenda, I enjoyed your poem but it needs a little work on rhyme and meter. If you are doing rhymed couplets, then the end of every two lines rhyme. It looks like this is the format you are using but the following do not rhyme:
tios & three
coming & running
Mama & Papa
clown & around

also if a word is rhyming with a singular word, it should be singular, not plural or it sounds off. You used bright with delights. Take the "s" off delights and that line in fine.

The message in the poem is cute. Sounds like a great party.

Last thing, say each line out loud and count the beats. Poetry is not just about numbers of syllables, but also about how it rolls off the tongue.

Here is revision 2 of my poem:

Feliz! Feliz! This is My Day

This is my day!
Everyone play!
A pinata tree,
is ready for me.

Clap for Mia's three!
Shout and dance with me!
Sing, "Feliz, feliz."
Share a hug and kiss.

Look, friends are coming,
See, Mia's running.
Pilla, pilla tag me!
Corre, corre catch me!

The pinata sings,
With all joy it swings.
The colors are bright,
They tell of delight.

Primos dance with me,
Sing that Mia's three.
Pilla, pilla tag me!
Corre, corre catch me!

Laughing with Mama,
Laughing at Papa,
Who's dressed as a clown,
And dancing around.

Pilla, pilla tag me!
Corre, corre catch me!
My pinata tree,
Is calling for me.

Lots more work to do.  I'm trying to find appropriate words that rhyme with clown. Here's the easy list:

town, frown, brown, crown, goun, down

and words that rhyme with around.

bound, found, hound, mound, pound, round, sound, wound

And trying to make stanza 6 fit in with the rest of the poem.  Also, I wonder about the order of the stanzas.  Plus, I have never been able to count beats correctly.  Is it because I'm bilingual?  Oh, I don't know.  :{

Do you have any suggestions or comments?  Constructive comments and/or critiques welcomed.

No comments:

Post a Comment