From:
Ellen Ramsey
Your
poem is delightful. The rhythms are lively
and the poem is fun to read.
I'm
concerned that the poem may not have a
strong enough story to become a picture
book. Have you thought
about adding a stronger story line--some
conflict--a problem to solve so that this
poem would work better as a picture book.
Another option you might consider is developing this as a board book. Your narrator and your intended audience is a very young child, so this might be appropriate—and a board book would be shorter than a standard picture book.
If
you decide to make the poem longer, you
might consider a refrain—
My
piñata tree,
Is
calling for me.
You
could have a few things go wrong at the
birthday party, but still the party would
end with the joy of the piñata bursting open
and showering the kids with surprises.
Another
thing you might consider is that the first
stanza doesn't have quite the same pattern
as the rest of the poem. Also, I'm not sure
the line in the fifth stanza "Its mosaic
sings" fits with the simplicity of the
language of the rest of the poem.
Hope
this helps. Good
luck with this poem. Please let me know how
you decide to proceed.
From:
Alison Kipnis Hertz | 6:45am Jun 16 |
tios & three
coming & running
Mama & Papa
clown & around
also if a word is rhyming with a singular word, it should be singular, not plural or it sounds off. You used bright with delights. Take the "s" off delights and that line in fine.
The message in the poem is cute. Sounds like a great party.
Last thing, say each line out loud and count the beats. Poetry is not just about numbers of syllables, but also about how it rolls off the tongue.
Here is revision 2 of my poem:
Feliz! Feliz! This is My Day
This is my day!
Everyone play!
A pinata tree,
is ready for me.
Clap for Mia's three!

Sing, "Feliz, feliz."
Share a hug and kiss.
Look, friends are coming,
See, Mia's running.
Pilla, pilla tag me!
Corre, corre catch me!
The pinata sings,
With all joy it swings.
The colors are bright,
They tell of delight.
Primos dance with me,
Sing that Mia's three.
Pilla, pilla tag me!
Corre, corre catch me!
Laughing with Mama,
Laughing at Papa,
Who's dressed as a clown,
And dancing around.
Pilla, pilla tag me!
Corre, corre catch me!
My pinata tree,
Is calling for me.
Lots more work to do. I'm trying to find appropriate words that rhyme with clown. Here's the easy list:
town, frown, brown, crown, goun, down
and words that rhyme with around.
bound, found, hound, mound, pound, round, sound, wound
And trying to make stanza 6 fit in with the rest of the poem. Also, I wonder about the order of the stanzas. Plus, I have never been able to count beats correctly. Is it because I'm bilingual? Oh, I don't know. :{
Do you have any suggestions or comments? Constructive comments and/or critiques welcomed.
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